Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick..... And it dies.

The clock stopped ticking. The tears starts to fall. Families members breaking down. In the middle lies a man. So weak and fragile, a touch brings fear of breaking him. I stand alone looking at them. My mind starts to drift. I am in the room but my soul is wandering. Standing emotionless, looking at the lifeless body that was once vigor. Looking at the hunched silhouttes. Some bawling. Others just shocked. Confusion sets in. They say its shocked from losing a love one. I beg to differ..

I remembered when you were hospitalised. They were all crying. And again I was standing there. Looking at you. Emotionless. You were a man of pride. Still is. To be brought down to such a state.. I could not muster even a tear. Even if i wanted to. For i knew you still live. Such a setback would not hold you back nor bring you down.

The way you smile  really warms my heart. Reminds me so much of a child. So pure and clueless of his surrounding. I stood by you for so long before you realised i was there. You lost all sense of your basic instinct. But the smile everytime you see me.. It lights up my life. I won't be able to see it no more.. I miss your smile..
 

Seeing such beauty next to me takes my breath away.
Yet this angel seems to not noticed the effects he has on me.
To feel his touch on me is what i yearn for.

My angel is next to me yet, he seems so distant.
Like a faraway dream where wishes come true.
Hearing him speak of such joy lights me up.

Such intense eyes he beholds.
Ones that pierce straight into my soul.
Where he uncovers my hidden secrets.
Yet he is unfazed.

An unreachable dream he is.
My lovely angel.
The more i try to catch him.
The more he floats away from me.

He speaks of joy, hope and pain.
Yet his face never change.
My angel looks peaceful as ever.
Even when his heart was broken.

Forginess for the ones who wronged him.
Empathy for those who hurt him.
My angel holds no grudge.
For the people who spoke bad of him.

Scars and wounds inflicted on him.
Both seen and unseen by the naked eye.
Yet for the time i have known my angel.
Not once has a tear been shed by him.

Filled with love and hope.
His heart never consumed with hatred.
Even when his goddess left.
My angel love stood with time.

I shall await for your return.
The promise he made to himself.
My love for you will triumph all.
Till now his love still stands.

My dear sweet angel.
Such pain it is to see you suffer.
How i wish i was your goddess.
So that i can take your pain away.

As hard i may wish.
It won't come true.
For i know your heart stays true.
To the goddess which...

I wished i was....

For now let me stand by your side.
And lend you all my might.
I'll keep you safe till she returns.
My sweet angel would finally fly...

Firstly before i start off i need to clarify some things.

1. Yes ,it happened again. My post was lost again. Sure i am pissed but..... * punches wall * I'm fine.
2. Yes, I was pissed at the inter-class game today but I'm not affected. * smashing and crashing sounds *
3. No, I did not cry outside the gym area. * holding back tears * * sobs *
4. No, I was not expecting any ex-students to return today. * turns around every 5 minutes to casually look at the surroundings*

Ok i admit it. I did cry. I cried as i squatted in between the recycling bins. (How unglamorous..) But it was not those type of pathetic cries. The one's that sounded like a horse wailing. ( HELL NO!) Mine was tears streaming down my cheeks as my heart starts to contract and make it painful to think or breathe. ( I know it sounds like a sad novel but it did happened. I swear on this. I myself never knew i could have such beautiful tears..) I thought walking it out would help but, i guess i was wrong. The tears just flowed out without any warning. It was fast and i could not react. I wiped it off and covered my eyes with my frinch (now i know why i kept it long) 

I guess i wanted it too much. Who am i kidding. I needed it. I needed and wanted it. I wanted it so badly that it hurts just thinking about what had happened. No one knows how much i needed and wanted it. They don't know and never will. I hated how it turned out. I hated it. But that's life. 

Life.Life.Life.Life.... I hate.... mine.

PS: Thanks anyways for trying to get me on the team. I mean it. I am touched but still sore.

I let my feelings overwhelm me again. I let it control my mind. I allowed it to hurt me.

The thing is i don't really think I've done enough. I think that I should knock out every single one of his god damn teeth. I would have, just that...I don't know who's teeth I should knock out. Sure, I'm hurt and angry but... none of my friends are to blamed. They tried to get me on the team and even got threatened to get disqualified ( that's what I heard ) just for my sake. And for that, I thank you because your actions has truly touched me... ( And I mean this with all my heart )

Just a little background knowledge for those in the dark. As part of our national day celebration programme, an inter-class competition was held for students to take part in and put their youthful bodies to good use before, it starts to age and you can no longer do simple things like picking up your stuff on the floor without the risk of breaking or dislocating your hips. ( Sad, but true.. ) Well to cut a long story short, I put my name down on the floorball team but then, someone calimed that it wasn't there. So there are 2 possibilities to what happened to my name. 

    Sorry i thought i lost this post turns out it was secured. LOL. But i won't continue. The feeling is lost so don't read this but read the above one. But i cannot bear to delete this so just enjoy reading.

Right now all i wanna do is to murder someone.. LIVEJOURNAL has so fucked me ( how did rin say ) up, down, left, right and center!! I am so freaking pissed off with the shit i have to deal right now! Before this freaking entry there was another one. And it was freaking good but the fucking thing was that the internet connection was lost on the exact moment i posted the fucking entry!! How convenient! And the freaking thing was that when i refreshed to get it back.. every fuckening, sickening words was freakening GONE!!!! CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!! 

Geez... (calming down) well whatever.. i just try to write it over or make a new one... HOW CAN I MAKE A NEW ONE WHEN IT WAS FREAKING GOOD?!!?!??!! ARGH!!!! SHITTY SICKENING FREAKENING POST!!!

Since young i have always been mesmerized, awed, stupidified and impressed by the opposite sex strength.. I know it sounds like a perverted fantasy of mine but it isn't ok.. I always wanted to be stronger or as strong as them.. to be able to have such strength in such tiny bodies has never failed to excite me(mind you... not that type of excitement..-_-) Thats why... i love playing rough with boys.. 

Ok whatever... sorry i was bored with writing crappy shit (above)... because of unfortold reasons ( FUCKING LOSS OF ENTRY) so im just gonna write what i feel.. Right now all i want is to be surrounded by water... i want to float on the water... with my ears blocked out from the sounds made from the land above... i want to be immersed by mother nature wonderful H2O... to swim with the sea creatures and be surrounded with its vast beauty... And if it is possible... I wanna be a mermaid ( if u laugh im gonna shoot u up ur ass)... I always loved Ariel.. Ok maybe it was not loved but more of envied... I mean that girl got everything i could ever wished for and she traded it to be a human?! What the hell?! I hate her man.. I mean. I kill to get a body and hair like hers and to have a cute fin in place of legs ( be careful what u wish for ) and also to wear clams to cover my generous breast...( erase that picture from ur mind!) but that girl wanted more... she wanted.. to be a freaking human with legs so that she could be with her prince charming.. she sacrificed her ever so sweet voice so that the two of them can plant their seed of love together... All i can say is... i feel so.... INSULTED..

Its not like as if her mer-world( is it called Atlanta?) is not filled with cute and hunky mer-boys... I mean i wouldn't mind taking one of them to be mine.. Well maybe because i am what people call LUSTFUL.. ( aka HORNY.. which im so NOT!) Well i wanna swim into the deep abyss( actually i dont noe the real meaning of this word but wat the hell.. as long as it sounds nice right??) 

Ok i better stop now... another random entry is coming up in a few minutes ( LIAR!) ok... maybe a few months... but wth... like i care about datelines! ha! well c ya wen i c ya.. N FREAKING ENJOY TIS ENTRY!! *stupid loss entry*

My little brother is sick. We don't know what it is but, he can't be normal. He gets tired easily and often gets dizzy spells. When he gets dizzy spells or tired, everyone will panic. After when he's back to normal.. they will blame me for it. Saying i didn't give him food nor took care of him properly.. It hurts because i knew i took good care of him but still, everyone blames me. And me being me... just accepts it.. I hate it because no matter how hard i try.. no one will ever be satisfied... they will still keep blaming me.. saying  this and that.. i pretend not to care but... it breaks my heart so..so much.. 

Everything which he does wrong, i will have to take the blame.. they blame me so that it will make them feel better.. i hate it.. they know i won't fight back because i know it's useless.. because of this it makes me hate my little brother... i know he doesn't deserve it.. but it's easier that way... put all the blame on someone... it helps lighten the burden... 

I hate mylittle brother because he made me distant to everyone... i hate him because he stole my freedom.. because of him.. i have to spend this whole holiday taking care of him... i hate him so much because of him... i am unable to lead a normal life... i hate him because all my time has to go to him... and i can't go out with my friends.. my friends will then blame me.. saying that i'm taking this as an excuse... if only they knew how much i wanted to go.. if only they knew this hatred i have... if only they knew..

My older brother managed to get away from this awful life that i lead.. because he was fast enough to detach himself from the family.. he chose a school which was far so that he could come home late and not deal with the shit that i had to go through... he would give reasons to sleep at his friends house saying it was nearer so that e won't be tired.. he did that so that he didn't have to share the shitty responsibility with me... he was never a brother to me... he never did his duty.. he never protected me.. he was so full of himself.. always thinking about himself... i was only a pawn so that he could enjoy... i hate him.. i hate them all

My friends think they know what i'm going through.. if only they knew... if only they knew how i felt... they probably won't be the same person they are right now.. it's hard being me... especially when you don't have anyone to tell it to... the only one who understands is sadly.. the person who's writing this... i hate them all... when i say i got a problem.. just shut up! i don't need your help.. i just need you to listen... i don't need solutions... i just want to let it all out... 

i hate my past.. my future and my present... one girl said "you'll make it big.. i just know it" sorry but you put your trust on the wrong person... i don't even know why she said this... i hate her.. i hate her for putting her trust onto me.. i hate her so much... who does she think she is...  i hate all of you

i just wish everyone would die... or a more easier way... to let me die... i want so much to end this life.. to make the hurt and pain go away... to make the burden disappear... and all my sins erased.. i want so much to die but i can't... that's what makes it hard... if i died... everything would be better.. if i died would you even remember me 3 months after my death... by thn someone has probably replaced me...

Hate me if you must after reading this, but don't pity me.. 
My ugly side which no one ever seen, or ever will
My pain which no one feels, or even knows
In the end, the only one you can rely on is... yourself

I've been thinking alot lately.. about stuff...
This month has been a rollercoaster of feelings...
One minute i'm laughing my lungs out...
And the next minute... i'm thinking about the ever so bleak future...

Have you ever notice the irony in the word kidney failure?
Neither have i... until i started to think of it recently...
Since young... i have been the last one to know anything with regards to my family...
Because of this... i have always wished that for once, my parents would tell me something first..
And not let me find out by myself on the day itself...
Well my wish did happen... And i hated it... i hated it so badly...
Why is that when you wish for something to happen and when it does... 
It doesn't turned out the way you always imagine it would be...

I never knew being in sec 5 takes alot out of you... ( yes Mr Curly it does even though u think otherwise) it has only been a few months... not even half a year... n im already slowing down... i'm not talking physical tiredness... what i mean is that i feel so tired both physically and emotionally... i feel like my body is breaking apart... bit by bit... and there nothing to stop it...

Sometimes i feel so confused that ... well i start to think about negative stuff.. i wish there was a way to cure it.. i wish food would give me comfort.. but it can't... not anymore... it's hard keeping up this pretense that everything ok... and that i'm happy... but im not.. it's eating me from inside.. it's killing me... i wish some one will hold me.. and erase all these feelings... i want some one to hold me tight... i want to feel safe... i want to be taken care off not... me taking care of some one else... for so long i have neglected my emotional needs... for so long i hid it away... but now... i want some one... anyone... to just hold me... i don't wan to hear words or advice... a simple hug would do wonders for me... i'll be eternally grateful if you help me through this phase...

i no longer want to feel tired... i want to be happy again... i want to be carefree and make people laugh.. as well as make myself laugh... i want to be myself again... but it's hard... 

But i know i have to be strong on my own... but i don't need those shit anymore... i've been the strong one all my life... sometimes even the toughest person needs a little love.. or a simple hug.....